Money Grab: 6 Terrible Skate Products

on Monday, 23 September 2013. Posted in a

There are too many bad skate products out there to compile into one list, but we've done our best to narrow it down to a Top Six. From the original offender, Skate Stoppers, to LiveStrong articles on skateboarding, the following are some of our favorite turds that skaters and non-skaters alike have given us over the years.

So chain your wallet to your belt loop and prepare to be ripped off, this is "Money Grab: 6 Terrible Skate Products".

 

Tarantula trucks:

From the man who turned the truck world upside down- Tarantula Trucks.

Tarantula Trucks represent another moment in skateboarding's historic tradition of unsuccessful truck ‘innovations’- They are a normal pair of trucks that are mounted on the top of the board instead of the bottom. Is this form of truck placement a clever variation of that dude at the skate shop who ‘used to skate’ and always mounts both your trucks facing the same direction? Or just a 'kooky' mis-step?

In all fairness, the Tarantula Truck was built for longboards, so clearly the inventor knew how to design a product kooky enough for his target market’s needs.

Plus, these are the only trucks that could make Krepers look like Indies in comparison.

Sole Skate:

The advertisement for the Sole Skate boasts that it is ‘Virtually the size of your shoe!’ and ‘a seriously stealth ride’. Stealth, of course, is the number one attribute everybody looks for in a skateboard or really any transportation device. It might not have enough functionality to even ride, or enough surface area to stand on without continually clenching your ass cheeks, but at least its got stealth. Bonus points for being from the same people who created the Razor Scooter.

The secrets of skateboarding ebook:

“If Every Skater Knew This Information, Everyone Would Be Sponsored”

In the Secrets of Skateboarding, reknowned Internet Marketer and “top underground skateboarder" Tony Waters switches his focus from hucking weight loss products and MLM get-rich quick schemes to help us unlock the ‘real and only' way to improve at skateboarding and how to stop doing what doesn’t work.’ Along the way, the Secrets of Skateboarding uses such tried-and-true internet marketing techniques as red font, yellow highlighter, and high-pressure sale tactics ('Leave this page now to only regret it forever’) to get impressionable 11 year olds everywhere to buy his piece-of-shit E-book for only $17.00.

'How do Skater Chicks Dress' Article:

We couldn’t have a discussion about making money on the internet without bringing in the EMB of Mom-bloggers, Livestrong. If you don’t know, Livestrong is a content farm  that leverages stay-at-home Moms and outsourced Filipino article writers to pollute the internet with Google-optimized articles like ‘How Do Skater Chicks Dress’? It has been a full year since Jenkem explored the world of really embarrassing articles about skateboarding by non-skaters, so we figured it was time for a quick update. This handy article tells us that that long waves are a popular hairstyle for ‘sk8er’ chicks, but so are 'braids, dreadlocks, and ponytails’. Thanks for making the internet a better place, Livestrong.

Skatestoppers:

By far the most disappointing part of writing this article was trying unsuccessfully to find the video of a dude accidentally catching himself on fire while trying to remove the skatestoppers off a rail with a buzz-saw. If anybody has this link, please let us know in the comments. UPDATE: Check out #SkateLine at the 2:06 mark.

Modular Skateparks:

Like a plague of hungry locusts, modular skateparks descended upon unsuspecting towns in the Midwest in the early 2000s, forcing poor skate rats everywhere to adapt to such certified pieces of suck as the Rail to Nowhere and THE TRIFECTA. With city officials paying between $5,000 and $20,000 for turds like this, it’s no wonder that US cities are declaring bankruptcy at a record rate.

$30,000 for this- - Just imagine what else City Council is mismanaging.

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