With skateboarding, the formula was once simple- you filmed a part every few years, maybe did a pro spotlight in Transworld, demoed your way across the US once annually and flew to Europe for the Munster contest. How things have changed..
Now, in addition to spending a year breaking yourself for web-only video releases, you've got expenses- the Benz you are leasing, the ice on your neck, your own private skatepark to keep up with the Joneses Berrics, a few exotic pets and a stint at rehab. Suddenly, that corporate cash starts to look pretty good, and before you know it you are facedown on Red Bull's leather casting couch.
At least the money's good in Skateboarding's Worst Endorsements.
- Rob Dyrdek's Wild Grinders
I'll admit I'm not exactly the target audience for this show, but each character on Wild Grinders looks so carefully conceived by a marketing executive from Redondo Beach to appeal to every 'type' of skateboarder that it's hard not to notice. From 'Urban Black Dude' to 'Cory Duffel Fanboy' to 'Retro 80s Shredder' and even 'Lil Rob' himself, it appears that almost everyone is accounted for. These archetypes are looking a little dated though - where's the White-tee'd, Gel Haired, Vans Wearing character who only does 50-50s but does them, "like, really fast dude."?
- Tony Hawk's Huck Jam Gummy Vitamins
This was at the peak of Tony Hawk's product promotion days, when the Boom Boom Huck Jam Tour delighted towns across middle America and the Bagel Bites flowed like wine. With flavors like Orange Skate Deck, Cherry Wheels, and Purple Birdhouse Skulls, these are just like a bottle of Lucky Charms, but worse.
- Bam Margera for Right Guard Xtreme Deodorant
'Extreme' is bad, 'Xtreme', with a capital 'X', is really bad. You can hear the sarcasm in Bam's voice as he feigns enthusiasm for Women's Roller Derby in this commercial. But hey, somebody's gotta make the Lambo payments.
- Ryan Sheckler & Rob Dyrdek for Bill My Parents
Well we certainly start 'em young here in the US of A... Get that first taste of credit by age 13 and if you're lucky you can snag a mortgage with no proof of income so you're underwater by 30! Anyway, Ryan Sheckler and Rob Dyrdrek are probably as good of spokesmen for fiscal responsibility as skateboarding has, as they've both built mini-empires for themselves, but if I ever tried to "Bill My Parents" for a new deck as a kid I would've gotten my ass kicked.
- Hot Wheels Tony Hawk Series
This won't matter to anyone really but we at SkateMore went to school with the child actor who starred in the Hot Wheels: Tony Hawk Series TV commercial. Unfortunately, we can't find it anywhere, as it looks like Tony's PR chick has scrubbed it from the web. That really has nothing to do with this article, but then again Hot Wheels has nothing to do with skateboarding. Mull that one over while you check out this Birdhouse Combat Medic Van... Huh?
- Tony Hawk for Bagel Bites
During the Tony Hawk Bagel Bites era, I'd race home from school at the end of a long day, pop in some Bagel Bites, sit in front of the tv and wait... and wait... and that goddamn liar Tony Hawk never came through the screen to enjoy my delicious Bagel Bites with me. Not Once. In the words of Otto the Bus Driver, "THAT IS FLAGRANT FALSE ADVERTISING!"
- Lil Wayne for Mountain Dew
It seems it's hard to have a conversation these days about the pros and cons of skateboarding without Lil Wayne somehow being dragged into the mix. So here he is again. Sorry, I don't know who invited him. We are including this steaming turd from Mountain Dew because it represents 'youth marketing' at its formulaic worst - Find the biggest name you can, negotiate a contract, buy 30 second spots in all major markets, pander to Gen Y sense of individualism, push X number of product units and then promptly drop said biggest name over a scandalous remark. In Weezy's case it was in reference to an Emmett Till line. Geez... You make ONE sexual simile about the torture and murder of a black teen in rural 1950's Mississippi and they act like you've started World War 3!
- "Skateboarders" for Jones Soda
Click the above image to see how bad this target marketing really is, but the ad copy alone is pretty insulting:
Extreme Soda, with 15 unique flavors and NO hidden meanings.
All containing puuure cane sugar, unlike those OTHER sodas.
The labels are like our minds... ALWAYS Changing.
Run With The Little Guy. Create Some Change. Jones Soda.
- Photon Lightboards
Fun Fact: The voice behind this Photon Light Boards commercial has been the same voice for every used car lot commercial in every American city with population of less than 50,000 since 1991. His name is Earl, and he also did the graphics... and he has a bit of a drinking problem... aaaand if you fucking piss him off he'll take your goddamn Photon Light Boards and smash it on your fucking head 'cause its not HIS fucking fault his credit got shot and he just caught another DIP case! Jesus, can't a guy get a break around here?!?
- Chevy Sonic Kickflip
The image above is in celebration of the Chevy Sonic's first kickflip, as driven by Rob Dyrdek. Quite literally the definition of a 'publicity stunt'.
- Ryan Sheckler for Axe Body Spray: Double Pits to Chestie
And at last we come to the inspiration for this entire article, the creme de la creme... Double Pits to Chesty. At least it was a nice five figure payday for Sheckler...
- Not everyone has a face made for television. Check out who didn't make the cut in SkateMore's: 12 Pro Skaters You Maybe Thought Were Homeless. And stop by often for weekly articles and updates!